If you and your spouse seem to fight a lot, then it may feel as though your marriage is falling apart. However, you are not alone. Around four marriages in a thousand end in divorce every year. While this rate is much more optimistic than the 50% divorce rate that most people think is factual, it still means that many marriages are in trouble. Poor communication is one reason why married couples fight. You should consider couples counseling if you are experiencing marriage difficulties. You also should consider the following tips to communicate more effectively.

Change the Way You Speak

Many people will use blaming or attacking words and phrases when trying to communicate their feelings to others. When you do this, you likely will end up putting your spouse on the defensive. Defensive behaviors are normal and natural, and they are part of your brain's self-protective system. In other words, your brain reacts to accusations and blames by protecting itself from the negative ideas. Defensiveness is an instinctive psychological technique that is learned during childhood to help you survive emotionally. When the instinct is triggered, you will react by becoming withdrawn, by denying the claim, or by fighting back. 

If your partner seems to have a strong self-image that they protect with defensive behaviors, then it is wise to make sure that you do not use words and phrases that seem to attack their image.

For example, a phrase like, "You watch football three times a week and ignore me. You obviously do not want to spend any quality time with me" is likely to be seen as a personal attack. However, a statement like, "I feel ignored when you watch football, and I also feel like we do not spend enough quality time together" does not attack your partner. This phrase helps you to communicate your own feelings without placing blame. This way, you can start a conversation about how you feel and hopefully urge your spouse to express their feelings as well in a calm manner.

Get Away From Distractions

If you and your partner do not seem to have any time to talk, then this can lead to bottled up emotions and animosity. Bottled up emotions and feelings that are not expressed can lead to chronic stress as well as general mental distress. This stress has even been linked to an increased risk of death from heart disease and cancer. This means that you need to set aside some time each week to communicate with your partner. While this may seem like an easy task, you and your spouse are likely to be distracted by a wide variety of things that can interfere with this communication time.

The constant use of smart phones is one of these distractions. In fact, people often feel as though their smart phones are an extension of themselves. Anxiety and nervousness can be felt when a call or text message cannot be answered. Not only does this cause a constant distraction that will interrupt communication sessions, but so will a phone on vibrate or one that constantly alerts you to a new email. 

To minimize smart phone distractions, turn off your phone completely and ask your spouse to do the same. Place both the phones in a drawer for at least an hour so you and your spouse can talk about emotions, feelings, and issues. To make sure that anxiety over the lack of a smart phone is reduced, consider picking a set time to communicate each week where phones are the least likely to be used for work or school purposes. A designated time in the morning on Saturday or Sunday could work well for this. Friday evenings are a good choice too, especially if you and your spouse agree that more quality time is essential to a healthy relationship. 

For more tips or assistance, consider couple's counseling through resources like Drake Counseling Services.